Author : Victorita Dutu
translated by Lidia Ardeleanu









Author : Victorita Dutu









I want to sleep, to be fast asleep,
But my thoughts don`t let me,
They make me ask God
If I love Him, if I truly love Him,
And He answers me with the same question
“Do you love me?”
“My Lord,
I want to be the child
Who appears from
Blue flowers
And tells You from the distance, laughing
And running to You :
“Look, My Lord, the blue flowers!
I give them to You,
They are Yours
Because You caressed them
Every night when the moon rises,
You know, My Lord, I watched You last night,
I saw the tears that made Your face glitter,
The stars were singing but You kept silent,
I beg You to take these blue flowers,
They are Yours
Because they are born from Your tears.

My Lord, this day was blessed
For I could see for a moment
The bread and the wine in the apse.
They made You be present
Among men who are searching You.
Very few thought of You
But You came,
Mysteriously present among them
That no one could see You.
However, some of them felt Your presence,
An incredible Beauty surrounded them,
That was Your love, Jesus, My Lord!

I can see the blue sky at day time,
At night I can see the sky full of stars;
I can see the cloudy sky during the storm
And the sun rays behind the clouds
Running towards me.
I can see the forest lying in the horizon
And the high grass which does not accept
My shy steps.
Beyond all the things I can see
I cannot find
The One I am looking for.
You who created the clouds
And the rain
You who created the forests,
The sky and the stars
Where are You ?
Where are You ?
How shy are the flowers
When I walk near them
How clear are the waters,
The springs and the fountains
How glittering are all these !


Near a fountain
Someone is staying the head bent,
Propped up on his arms.
Who could be the one who is staying
With closed eyes, with eyes full of tears ?
I sat down by Him and I kept silent
And all the questions had disappeared.


Jesus my Lord, when you were walking alone
Through the mountains
To prey to God
In the morning before dawn
Or in the evening
Were You not afraid
Of the rock all around
And of the loneliness from outside?
I wondered thousands of times
How were You preying
In loneliness and fear?
Weren`t You afraid of the mountain rock,
Of its coldness?
The cold and distant stars
Did not frighten You?
The men swarming round You
Didn`t fill Your heart with fright,
Weren`t You weary of us
When we raised our hands fiercely
Ready to strike You, ready to kill You?
All Your creation in the middle of which You lived
Didn`t made You love Your loneliness?
Weren`t You afraid of men,
Weren`t you afraid of rocks,
Weren`t you afraid of storms and frost?
I don`t understand why You had to be born
When this world is sentenced to death?
Oh, My Lord, I think like a man,
But how could I think otherwise ?

My Lord, the univers is your creation,
You created all of it, you created the stars and the light,
Me and this tree against which I lean,
We are your witnesses because you created us.
The night fell and I am so cold,
I felt better before
When the sun was shining and it was hot,
Suddenly the night fell,
I can see nothing around ,
Only the stars and the moon
With their light through the branches.
In the night they are shining
And it is so beautiful all around;
But I can touch this beauty
Only by sight,
This beauty rejects me,
I cannot live surrounded by it,
I cannot be part of this beauty.

My Lord, I`d want to be a child
But the world inside me doesn`t let me,
Men challenge me to duel,
The world from outside hinders me.

My Lord, I`m not free,
How could I embrace Your freedom?

The words, the words,
What could they be, the words?
Why did You want us to speak?
How could I find, my Lord,
The word to call You?
How could I find the words
Through which to talk to You?
I don`t know why I`m always looking for
Sophisticated words
When the simple and wonderful ones
Express so much sincerity, so much beauty?
Why am I always looking for great words
For not expressing You,
Words that make me understand nothing
And through which I lose my way
That I don`t know where I am.
What wonderful gift You made us,
These words, these simple and direct words…
But what is the word through which
I could reveal my secret,
The secret of my love for You,
For You and Your world?

My Lord, I`m expecting
A great love,
A love so great
As I have never lived before.
How wonderful is this expectation
While I imagine
How this love of mine will be,
When I`ll love Him,
The extremely wonderful One!
I am afraid to tell
How happy I will be.
I`m expecting a great love
And I am extremely happy!
Thank You, my Lord,
For my peace.
My Lord, You are truly
Inexpressibly beautiful!

My Lord, the angel You sent to me
Let me fly in his place
And he stayed
To watch me flying,
We changed our places,
Me and my angel,
I was flying to the stars, to the moon,
And he was praying instead of me.
He gathered all the saints round him
And they were praying together for me;
But I did not know what happened,
That they loved me so much,
I was flying and dancing above the mountains,
While he was staying on his knees
And was praying to Jesus to receive
My fly, my dance and my love.
I was dancing and crying
And praying all the time
Together with the angel,
And suddenly he called me
From the distance,
“Look, look to your left,
Look to your left and you will see Someone”,
But I could not look
Because I could see nothing,
But I felt that Someone was dancing and flying
Together with me, my happiness was too great.
When I got tired I came near the angel
And he asked me: ”Did you see Him,
Did you see Him ?”
“No”, I answered, “Alas”, said the angel,
“It was Him and He was flying with you,
How couldn`t you see Him?”
“I couldn`t see because of my tears,
But tell Him, my angel,
That I felt He was dancing with me,
Can He forgive me for not having looked at Him?
I was thinking only of Him,
Tell Him that , my angel!”

“My Master and my Lord “
Said Thomas the Unbeliever to Jesus,
None of the apotres called Him like this,
Only Thomas when he touched the wounds of Christ
After the resurrection.
If I could call You, my Jesus
If I could call You
“My Master and my Lord”,
I`d be the happiest woman in the world.
How happy I would be
Because Your love is like the infinite.
This infinite is only a representation,
It is like the complete darkness,
A darkness that will be lightened
By a light round my mind,
I cannot see it, I can only imagine it
And I want it to lighten the world.

It seems that I`d want
To put all Your creation aside
As if it would be a curtain,
And on the other side I`d find You,
Stretching Your open arms to me…
If only I could
Put all Your creation aside
To look only at You,
To see only You.
But You are so far away…
And however, something is happening
In Your creation,
Something is moving…
Is that Your hand
That puts aside the curtains
Which cover the doors
Unlocked and open for a long time?
Or it is the wind
That makes the curtains shudder
At Your approach?

Your creation is like the mountain
That stands before me.
And You ask me to have
So much trust in You, so much love
To ask to the mountain
To plunge into the sea
And it will obey.
But I want it only
To get out of my sight
So that I may see You.
Why, my Lord, it seems sometimes
More simple to me
To dig a path at the foot of the mountain,
To dig a tunnel through its rock
To get to You,
As if you were on the other side
Of the mountain
And I could not see You otherwise?

My Lord, I wanted many times
To ask the mountains to show me
Where You stayed alone and prayed,
But the mountains showed me
Only their sun gilded crests
And their carrying stars flames,
I asked the mountains again
And I begged them to show me
Which way You were walking alone,
When the shy waters danced
At Your feet,
But the mountains didn`t answer me.
They let their green leaves
Change into blue light carrying stars.
I asked the mountains again
To show me where
You were sleeping in peace,
At the foot of a tree,
The head propped on a stone.
But the mountains started shouting at me
With their thunder and I got afraid.
I stayed there and I looked at the mountains
Day by day, waiting for an answer.
But they kept silent every moment
And their sun gilded crests
Looked at me triumphantly.
I felt so lonely, my Lord,
And I was longing to find You
That I decided to go down
And to climb again their rocky steeps
I was crying and walking,
My despair grew inside me,
And I was about to fall asleep
At the foot of an oak,
When I heard a voice saying to me::
“Why are you sleeping, you may not sleep,
Nobody sleeps here,
Until the top of the mountain you may not sleep!
Go ahead and talk to me!
I`m going ahead my Lord
And there is no path before my eyes.
Is it still too far, my Lord, until the distance?
Is it still too far, my Lord?

The child is dancing in the moonlight
And God is watching over the dance.
He is smiling and looking
At the child`s play and dance
In the moonlight or in the sunlight.
The child is dancing
Over the wheat fields,
Over orchards in blossom,
The child is dancing on the clouds
Flying over rivers,
And in the sky God is weeping,
He`s weeping with tears of flowers
And surrounds the child
Who is dancing and weeping
In the moonlight.
The child is dancing in God`s arms
Surrounded by His love
And this child will never be weeping again!

What happiness, my Lord, to see
The world inside me and to shout that.
The world where I live
Is a perfect one
Because it exists only in my heart,
And no one could get into it
Because it is only Yours
And it is only You that live
In my perfect world,
And nothing from outside could come
To trouble my peace,
To destroy my perfect world,
No matter how many evils I could see,
The outside world remains strange to me.
I feel that only here
In my world, with You,
I am myself and still different from me,
And sometimes I wonder
Of what I could not be.

My Lord, this time
That we measure with the clocks,
This time is not an illusion?
Why shall we call time
This rippling of seconds
From sunrise to sunset
And from sunset to sunrise?
My Lord, when I think of You,
Of the joy You are giving to me,
The time does not exist anymore,
In my heart there is only Your eternity
And time becomes for me
A mere illusion.
Oh, my Lord, only Your eternity is real,
The time does not exist, it is only an illusion.

Saint John the Baptist
Today the world is celebrating you.
I have not celebrated you and now, in the evening,
I am sad and tears are rolling down my cheeks,
Tears of grief and sorrow for I have not prayed,
I have not thought of Jesus nor spoken to Him.
Why haven`t I prayed today,
Saint John, why?
Help me to follow the one
Who was your friend,
Who loved you and considered you to be
The first of the Prophets.
You were so great
And you are still great for me.
Brother John, I am painful
Because I cannot love God nor worship Him
As you did.
How did you live, why were you so crazy
About truth and so humble,
So deprived of self-pride as to pronounce
These words that I cannot understand,
That I cannot live nor utter:
“He must rise and I must decline”.
Do you understand me, Saint John?
Why I cannot live these words before the eyes of God
You must tell me, Saint John!
Pray for me to your friend
And to Our God, Jesus, to give me
Love for Him and humbleness,
Because love and humbleness
Are such comforting feelings.
The love for Jesus, for My Lord
Is so beautiful, but I cannot live it
And I cannot feel it.
I don`t know why I cannot love Jesus
As a God, and why God
Becomes so strange to me
And I don`t know in whom I must believe.
Oh, Jesus, You are indeed My Lord!

My Lord, my home is
The most beautiful place
That I could ever dreamt.
My Lord, I am a traveller through the desert
Through this desert full of people
That resemble to coloured and wandering shadows.
My Lord, my home is not desert,
My mother and my father are there
And they love me so much!
My brothers and my sisters too.
At home I find my old grand-mother
That waits for me to bring her a glass of water,
At home I find my childhood,
It was there that I cried for the first time,
At home I find my happiness.
My home does not seem desert to me
Because You live there,
Because I find You
In all things and creatures.

My Lord, in our heart
There is a so beautiful house,
But I cannot unlock it,
Because I can enter inside it
Only together with you.
How happy I am, my Lord
That You exist, that You raised from the dead,
That You are alive in our heart,
Because You can come
And stay with me in my room.

Inside me the grief labours
Like a plough in the furrow of soul
Sowing the seeds of love.
How painful is it for me
When each furrow detaches itself
In my flesh and when
Tears of white blood flow
Receiving the word
Of Your eternal love.
How deep my forgetfulness is
Until Your word becomes
Eternal flower inside me,
Until Your seed
Will spring up inside me,
Until the plough of life
Will engrave inside me
Your eternal words,
Until my white blood
Will flow in streams
From which my flowers will feed,
Will grow and blossom.
Will I live until You
Coming down Your blue skies
Drawing near my mind
Will walk in the freshness of the evening
Through the trees and the flowers
Which grew on my body ?

The red tears of the sun
Poured out on my heart.
I listened to their rippling
In the river of my thoughts.
It died away.
The sound of the tear died away
And the sky remained deserted of tears,
Deserted of crosses,
Of raised hands, of wings.
My hands were still.
My cheeks were cold and hollow.
“Hi !” , I heard a voice asking me
“Whom do you love ?”
“I don`t know”, I answered.
“Love is mystery”.
He asked me once again:
“Whom do you love ?”
And once again I answered “I don`t know”.
He kept and kept silent.
Night was falling
And He asked me once again
“Whom do you love ?”
I kept silent.
Everything is silent.
I kept quiet and I heard
The rippling of the sun rays.
After a long time
I started weeping
With blood tears
Raising my hands to the stars:
“Where are You, my Lord?”

Somewhere I am hidden
I don`t know anymore where I am
The universe of my thoughts
Makes me shiver.
The stars make me dizzy.
What quietness under these stars
That glitter,
The universe says nothing to us
Only we, the human race, continue to speak
Saying nonsense.
What silence, what rejecting peace!
All this quietness in Your creation
Makes me freeze,
If You wouldn`t exist, if You wouldn`t exist
To raise my thoughts towards You,
What should I do during so many years
Of loneliness?

Oh, My Lord, how sublime is Your creation
And how far I am from You!
How could I kiss that flower on the lake,
That wonderful water lily, if it is so far from me?
The night fell, it is cold and I cannot fly up to there,
I cannot swim, the water is frozen,
I cannot tear myself away from the tree.
I cannot reach the tops of the fir trees
To caress them,
I cannot fly up to the stars and back to the earth,
I cannot strike the lake bottom
To touch the sand and the roots of the flowers,
All things reject me, My Lord,
Because I know nothing about them.

Look at that swan on the lake,
How wonderful is it, My Lord!
It comes to me slowly, floating through the water lilies,
It does not know that I am here.
If I moved, it would run or fly
Because it knows I can destroy its beauty.
What beauty, what beauty, My Lord
And how far I am from its essence!
Oh, My Lord, if You were here near this lake,
Near this swan beautifully floating,
How wonderful it would be,
I`d fly with You everywhere.
You`d hold my hand
And I could fly up to the stars,
I would take the stars and scatter them
Over the mountains and over the trees
And over this wonderful swan.
Together with You, Jesus, I could swim
Near that swan through the water lilies
And it would not fear me,
It wouldn`t go away,
I would float with You on the lake
And I`d stop fearing the worst things.
My loneliness would cease, I would love You more?
How blind are my eyes in this darkness,
And how far I am from You, from Your beauty
Even if I live in the middle of it!

Beautiful are the things that surround me,
They made me think of You
But the mankind frightens me the most
And makes me feel so far of You.
To whom must I resemble, my Lord?
To Your flowers in order to live?
But, in this world there are only
Contraband flowers,
Only passions and longing for money
Are in bloom,
And trifles are so important for men.
How could I know that the flower of my heart
Is Your flower?
How many times I asked myself
If my words are inspired by You,
If they do not come from the chaos?
My Lord, I am frightened
Even by the things that surround me
When they are touched by men.

My Lord, if I could get rid
Of all my memories,
If I could get rid of all the images
That hurt my sight and my eyes,
If I could live again my childhood,
How wonderful it would be!
My Lord, only the thought of You
And the hope in You make me go on.

Could I take courage to dream?
Could I take courage to write?
Could I take courage to imagine?
Maybe only in this way I`ll be able to fly.
I was so far off from myself,
So far off and I started running
Through the forest of my childhood
And I kept running, I kept running,
It seemed to me that I was dreaming
And in my dream I was flying
Over all the beauty of the world,
Over all my memories,
I was flying over all the earth!

I stopped near a tree
Near the tree where I used to pray to Him.
How many times haven`t I prayed to Him,
How many times haven`t I cried
Cause I didn`t know what happened to me
Cause I got tired of life and I hated it.
How many times haven`t I told Him,
Near that tree,
All that I could tell,
I told Him that I couldn`t live anymore,
That I couldn`t love,
That I`m sick of life,
Oh, how many times haven`t I told Him all this!
How many times haven`t I looked
At the starry sky through the branches,
How many times haven`t I felt happy near that tree,
How many times, after crying,
Or after pronouncing fierce words, a new hope
Was embracing my soul and I left flying
To live one more instant, one more hour,
One more day.
How wonderful was that locust tree!
There was my monastery
Near that locust tree grown on the lake border,
How strange, how beautiful was that locust tree
When it was in blossom!

In my dream I was going to my spring,
I was going there in my dream
And I prayed there,
I felt the grass growing,
I felt the flowers blooming
I felt the trees growing,
I saw the trees growing…..
I was going to my spring
In my dream…
The water of the spring flooded my sights
Washed my eyes,
Washed my feet, my hands, my face…
Why, my Lord,
Why I was carrying this water
Inside me,
Why I was drinking it and why
I was always thirsty…..
Why I was always looking
For celestial love,
I couldn`t find it on the earth.
In my dream I was going to my spring
Hoping to find You there, my Lord!

I held out my hand before the sun,
The blooms burst open,
It rained with flowers over all the earth.
The sky was widening
And descending in my heart,
In my soul,
The sky was all flowers
The light was flowing in blooms.
I loved everything and I was so happy!
The sun was shinning,
The light was our hope.

There was someone, somewhere, nearby,
I saw him last year,
He had blue eyes
And was flying to the trees,
To the spring, to the clouds,
To the stars….
Suddenly I saw a light.
When I looked at him
He held in his hands an icon
Which lightened his blue eyes,
And a brush.
Suddenly I saw him staying
On the water of the spring
And the brush was flying…
“What are you doing here?” asked a fairy,
“What are you doing here?” asked the forest.
He didn`t answer but looked at the sky.
He was praying, the brush was flying
And a new star appeared in the sky.

I hear the bells chiming
And inside me their sound vibrates.
Summer, summer, give me
Something of your heat
Because I `m cold
And my frozen heart could not love.
The bells are chiming
And they fill the universe
With a rain of sounds, with a rain of songs,
New stars are born and their rays are singing
And all this sound
It`s the Annunciaton day
And the angel announces again to the whole world
That God will be born among men.
Listen to his voice, my friends!
Let`s sing accompanied by the sound of the bell
And let the violin weep its love!
My friends, my friends,
The angel announced
That God will be born,
Look at the universe turning its stars
Over our eyes tired of so many tears,
Tired of so much pray.
Look my friends,
The angel came to announce the light,
God was born among men,
The Holy Virgin is up in the skies.
Let`s sing, my friends,
We are not alone anymore,
The sound of the bells fills the universe,
We are with Him
And He is always being born
In our hearts.

My Lord, You have made us a wonderful gift,
Our memory.
If we could carry You alive
In the place of the heart and from there
You would speak to us secretly,
If my heart could vibrate
At what are the most beautiful things in this world,
You and Your love,
I would be very happy.
But how could I keep in my memory
This great wonder
Which is Your love?

The city is dreadful
But apparently favourable to people.
There, you can do anything you want
Because the men of law are blind.
Oh, my Lord, tell me what to do
Why have I been destined to live
Into such a mad world?
If I had been born in Your time
Would I have cried like the others
“Crucify Him at once”?
Hadn`t I wept at Your bloody feet?
Hadn`t I rejoiced for Your resurrection
When You came towards us
Who were abandoned and abused
By those who killed You?
Tell me, my Lord, my Saviour,
What must I do for not being misled?
What must I do for not forgetting

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Thursday, March 31, 2011 - 18:48

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Poesia/Meditation I WANT ANOTHER WORLD 0 374 03/31/2011 - 18:48 English
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