Why I Didn't See God

I would be walking home from school
and the next thing I'd know
is that I was flying an airplane again
the weather was really awful this time
and I had to take a terrible turn
to try to get through this air maze
I could feel the controls shaking in my hands
but before I had a chance to land
I would be walking again
almost at my friend's house
same clothes, no school books
and I'd wonder how I got there
and where was that plane

I remember walking through the fields
behind my parent's house
and seeing a missile flying through the sky
I stood and watched
as the missile landed across the field
and the mushroom cloud
from the nuclear explosion
started to rise
I just watched in amazement
as I could feel the shock wave
race through the field, push through my body
before I felt the first wave of heat
rip through me
I can't remember seeing the foliage burning
but I remember feeling my skin burn
looking down at my hands
I'd feel my skin singe and start to disintegrate
and the sickly sweet smell
I couldn't shake it
till I finally closed my eyes

I opened my eyes
and my friends were in the field with me
I didn't know why they were all looking at me
till I looked down and saw the ball in my hand
and knew they were waiting for me
to pitch the ball

###

I was medicated for years
and couldn't even get my driver's license right away
because of seizures

but I could smell my skin from the nuclear blast
feel the shake from the plane controls
course up my arms

I watched the nuclear blast

felt my plane nose dive

I knew they happened

and the doctors would ask me
if I hear voices in my head
or if I'd hear someone calling my name

and the answer was yes

###

but things have changed since then

the doctors deduced that I wasn't schizophrenic
I didn't have a psychological disorder
(I guess that's their way of saying I'm sane)

and I no longer got those hallucinations

###

but recently, learning from a philosophy book
discussing visions the saints saw
I always thought they were hallucinations
of those who fasted for weeks
but were allowed to drink only beer
but this book credited a number of scientists
who hypothesized that these saintly visions
were products of temporal lobe seizures

many small seizures

I was an altar boy
I was thinking of becoming a priest
and I think of these visions
that preceded men's sainthood
I think of my memories of brushes with death

it just makes me wonder
in all of my memories
why I didn't see God