Canned Condolences

I held her

and couldn't control my crying

we were waiting
for the doctor to deliver the drugs
to inject them into her
to kill her

once we were waiting
we knew there was no going back
our decision was made
and now only moments
were all we had left

the doctor kept saying
that we were making the right decision
that she had suffered so long already
and I wondered if that doctor
      had these prepared responses
            these canned condolences
to make anybody feel better
when a loved one's about to die

when a loved one's about to die
because of our choice
our decision to end her suffering
to kill her

we stroked her head to calm her
and when the doctor
      squeezed the syringe
      and forced the fluid
he held her head
and I could only watch

like a passenger in a nearby car
careening toward a crash
I could only watch the spectacle
from my car window
try to catch the carnage
see a glimmer of death
see what death looks like
while the car kept carrying me away